Distilling the Essence

Yesterday marked two years ago that I met the Bohemian. I was walking the beach at sunset and there he was. I could say ‘how could I have known he would become my husband?’ but the truth is, from the moment I saw him, there was something stirred deep within me.

In the months following that fateful day, my heart opened wide, I grappled with fear, I surrendered to Love (with minor, random freak-outs), and when he asked me to marry him, I said ‘Yes.’

Before the Bohemian, I had been living as a single woman, raising Jeb from the age of nine months, essentially on my own, but for the supportive ‘tribe’ of a handful of friends that offered love and presence. For nearly seven years, I was solitary on a small, remote island, only dipping my toes in the pond of romance with a few long-distance relationships.

Mostly, it was me, Jeb, work and school, with sporadic moments of magic. On occasion I would catch a glimpse: Jeb sitting on the porch rail strumming his six-year old hand on ukulele strings. The rare treat of me on a solo morning swim, both the sun and moon in the blue above.

I wanted to capture these moments in a jar and save them. Uncork the bottle and inhale the essence of all-things-love-and-life as a remedy to remember. Keep that panacea close for whenever I was lonely, or exhausted, or simply numbed in the bread aisle of the grocery store.

That year before the Bohemian was a turning point. I had dared to dream that I could find a mate, fostering two remote relationships with promise (one in India, the other Switzerland). In both instances, I broke through scar tissue from the past and poured my heart and soul into nurturing hope in love. And in both cases, when reality stepped in, up close and personal (like dishes in the sink, or a fussy six-year old), they both stepped out.

And thank goodness. Because little did I know, the Bohemian awaited just ahead. But that would be later.

At the time, I took my heartache and my longing for that pure, poignant essence of life and bet it all on bottling it in writing. If I could record my moments, day by day, maybe I’d find some thread of something meaningful. Maybe I would feel more alive. Maybe it would help me remember that that. That something special, which is present even when I’m price comparing sourdough and whole wheat, baguette or sliced.

Despite the doubt that no one cared to hear commentary about my son discovering the existence of coupons, or how I stayed home to study spelling words instead of going out to the hip restaurant with friends, I wrote about it anyway. It was the process of moving through my fear to express myself that was as important as the pieces that were produced.

And all along, I held this understanding that none of it was important, really. Not important like global warming, Syrian refugees, or domination of the world’s food supply by GMO experimenters. Those things mattered.

I only had my little world of bite-size chunks. But I figured that I needed to start with what was before me, before expanding to larger realms. So I worked with what I had. And what I had was Lego guys and a little loneliness. Heartbreak and sorting the junk drawer.

From that place, For the Archives began. That was three years and over 700 posts ago.

Today I work in the distillery. Taking yet another leap of faith that any of this matters (and yet, again, knowing it does not – not, really). I have collected some highlights from that first year of blogging. Made a book and it is currently in process of being published, expected to be available at the end of this month. (In fact, as I type this, the proof for my cover comes through and I’ll admit, I get a little teary when I see it, alive and real and surprisingly beautiful).

And, no, this little collection is not significant. Not like a mission to Mars, not impacting like the work of Joan Didion. But it is mine, and so, in that way, it matters. Just like everyone’s expression matters. And the world needs each of us to express our deepest gift of creativity and truth.

So in my process of sharing the distilled essence of these moments of the everyday, I’m hopeful that each reader may relate to their own mundane and see some magic.

Infuse their own bottle of remembering. Inhale deeply. Share it, too.

photo courtesy of Paul Nelson
photo courtesy of Paul Nelson

Sunday Afternoon

We are a cliché, the Bohemian and I, as we sigh at the end of Sunday saying, “The weekend is over already?!”

We are laughing at ourselves living out such a dreadful stereotype, but it’s no joke. Our ‘off’ days seem to go by too quickly.

We savor the haven of down time we do have, seeking out nooks of reprieve where we can.

The end of our weekend was spent with two nine-year old boys, sweaty and giggling, and spilling over with much more energy than what matched our mellow Sunday simmer. We steered them toward the bike path with their skateboards, then found ourselves a little pocket of paradise in the shade.

They practiced skate tricks while we reclined beneath the Ironwoods. Me, I took the ‘mom nap’, sort of resting, but keeping one eye open to the nearby concrete that was repeatedly bombarded with rolling wheels, skidding board tails, and random exclamations like, “Awesome! That was boss!”

That was Sunday…

Now it’s Monday morning.

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Reality Check

It’s the kind of overcast morning that makes a person want to stay in bed. Even Moodah the dog won’t get out of the car when we pull up to our regular spot at the beach. I let him curl up in the front seat, crack all the windows, and move myself down to the sand. It may be muddy and gray, but I’ve got to let some wind blow through my brain.

Isn’t it interesting, all the distractions?

How islanders can work three jobs and let months go by without a day by the sea? How I have to schedule it like an appointment, these 40 minutes with nature in the morning.

And on this particular morning, there is a beast in my brain that is far from tamed. I am helpless, but for noticing, of this monkey mind in all of its reckless abandon. Incessant thoughts that topple, one over the other, pulling me from the paradise where I stand.

Yes, I’ll humbly admit that while grabbing my short commune with nature, the surrounding beauty was shadowed by the insignificant chatter of my mind. It’s a parade of starlets, these thoughts. How they enter stage left, take front and center spotlight like prima donnas, then exit stage right, only to be followed by the next leading lady.

Got to find Jeb’s spelling list. There’s that test tomorrow. Ugh, we haven’t studied.

Are there enough lentils that we can just have leftovers for dinner tonight?

If that check is not in the mail today, I think I’ll just make the deposit without it.

Moodah’s toenails are getting so long…

Cliffs draped in lush green succulents set the stage for me, small human that I am, to walk along its edges with these diva-esque contemplations running amok. I am bordered by an infinite sea, housing worlds I cannot fathom, but this morning, inside of me, it’s just a laundry list of petty.

Up ahead, clear springs seep from mossy rocks in a cascading shower of clarity. I advance in its direction for relief.

I get all the way in. Cold water spills, fresh, over my head, in my eyes, down my back and over my heart. I am immersed in the cooling liquid of pristine simplicity. My mind melted. Momentarily saved.

Thank god.

Reality check.

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