Yesterday was a doozy.  A plenitude of variables all seemed to collide and culminate into a sunset hour meltdown by both myself and Jeb.

Maybe I’m feeling tighter as it’s been three weeks of solid parenthood without reprieve – Jeb’s dad is out-of-town.  It could also be the two fundraisers in my ‘spare’ time and the postering task I was assigned that spans two cities.  The extra work hours this month. No school for Jeb all next week.  And then thrown into the mix is the fact that I have no hot water at my house.

I’m going on day six since the nanny goat in heat tried to charge me and my hot water heater sprung a leak.

I haven’t wanted to mention the hot water thing, really.  Like somehow if I don’t make it a big deal then maybe it won’t be one.  But I’m growing tired of playing Little House on the Prairie, boiling water to do dishes.  We’ve been showering at a friend’s.

Today was supposed to be the day that all was repaired.  Instead, my closet/laundry/storage room was in disarray.  My baskets moved aside to make room for copper pipes.  Wet rags amassed in corners, too close to my boxes of photographs and journals.  The entire door unhinged, mosquitos buzzing about my hanging clothes, my underwear in view of the repair man.  Ugh!

These thing – relatively minor from a vast world perspective, but monumental in my limited little world of Jessica – these things tipped me over into meltdown city.  And Jeb came tumbling after.

And so the two of us swirled about in grump and upset.  I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say that at one point I noticed a blazing fire.  Internal, right about my solar plexus, and it was then I knew it wasn’t just about Jeb’s sassy tone.  It was about capacity, and I’d hit mine.

And in this moment (and I’m seasoned, I’ve been here before)  there is no exit.  No slamming doors.  No driving off.  No space to even say I’ll take a walk and come back later.  No, in this moment it’s me and Jeb.  And I can go no where.

I’ve only heard about Vipassana retreats (10 days of solid meditation where one must stay and sit and continue despite resistance).  I’ve heard about how after many hours of sitting you can find yourself wanting to stop.  Your leg hurts, your back aches.  You just want to take a break.  The intensity can be nearly unbearable, yet to burn through the resistance can often offer a breakthrough to something more free.  A cleansing by fire.

Jeb is my Vipassana retreat.  But it’s no 10 days.  It’s a lifetime (or at least 20 years, full-on).  Frankly, when I’m in the throes of the lows of parenthood, that silent sitting meditation scene sounds pretty damn good.

But there is some hopeful magic to this meltdown story as two weary and grumpy souls made their way to our friend’s house for the evening shower.  I pulled up in the parking spot at the house, the spot I’ve parked in 100 times.  Got out.  Schlepped our gear to the shower and gratefully washed off at least one layer of crankiness.

Dried off and fresh, Jeb and I made our way back to the car where I knew dinner preparations awaited me at home.  I was clean but still couldn’t shake my funk.  Stepping to the driver’s door, I glanced down and there it was.  That familiar stone imbedded in the dirt, camouflaged in the grass and weeds.  But I recognized it right away.  The shape, the color.  The Chrysoprase stone a friend brought back from Amsterdam.  Said she saw it and thought of me.  What was it doing here in the dirt?  How long had I been missing it?  How many times had I stepped or driven over it?

I tell Jeb.

His voice softens and is filled with hopefulness.  “This must be a sign! We can be peaceful now.”

Jeb’s sweetness fills me.

Robinson Jeffers believed that stones had consciousness.  The Hawaiians believe that the pohaku holds mana – life force.  Initially, this stone had come a long way to me.  I had lost it, didn’t know it, and now it was back again, full circle.

Is it possible there is some intelligence at work that guided a stone from Amsterdam to my little rock in the Pacific?  How is it that when I needed a heart-melt most this gemstone found its way back to me?  What’s this rock all about?

Robert Simmons and Naisha Ahsian’s collaboration,  The Book of Stones:  Who they are and what they teach suggests specific metaphysical properties associated with Chrysoprase (a green Chalcedony):

“Chrysoprase also helps one remain centered in the heart at all times, providing the courage to face difficult or threatening situations with steadfast resolve and truth-centered compassion.”

Sounds like a Vipassana practitioner’s best friend.  I’ll be grateful.  Wash the dirt away and let it sit beside me as I type.

I’m thinking I’ll slip it under my pillow tonight and face my soggy closet tomorrow morning with renewed compassion.  I’ll keep my heart open with every fundraising poster I tape up in town.  And with ‘stead-fast resolve’ I’ll keep coming to the Archives with attempts at some ‘truth-centered’ postings.

So, with woo woo flourish I’ll close with Naisha Ahsian’s Chrysoprase Affirmation:

“I see myself and others through the lens of the heart’s compassion, and I grow in the paths that serve the good of all.”