Cheerios, Harleys and Open Gates

It’s on.  The routine has begun.

School started yesterday and I’m back on familiar roads, driving between the post office, the gas station and the local market.  As I traverse routes fourteen years familiar, I try to remind myself to see these pathways with fresh eyes.  Not just fall asleep at the wheel and move through turns and side streets with unconscious habit.

It’s a constant practice of stirring myself awake.

photo by Jeb - all rights reserved

I reach for reminders of what it’s like to feel the new.  To experience each moment, wide open.  Just a month ago I wandered through the village of Big Sur, watching mountain sentries of that river valley reveal themselves at first daylight.  Curiosity lead me to a courtyard full of statues and alters, where the nearby gas station attendant opened the padlock gate to let me inside.

“You just want to look around?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I can open the gate for you.”

photo by Jessica Dofflemyer - all rights reserved

Later that same morning I settled in at the Big Sur River Inn for a cup of coffee by the fire.  Three leathered bikers were eating breakfast and the one with the bandana tied around his forehead boldly invited me to join them on their weekend tour.

“Who knows!”  he said, “It could be the most incredible day of your life.  It’s beautiful today!”

I was heading in the opposite direction, not fated for a ride on the back of a Harley that morning.  But what may have begun as a classic guy-tries-to-pick-up-girl scenario, actually blossomed.  Once it was established that I would certainly not be joining them but that I was interested to hear about their trip while I finished my coffee, Enthusiastic Biker’s friend joined in.  He was more quiet and about 175 pounds bigger.

I don’t know exactly how it happened, but within twenty minutes a genuine conversation unfolded between us.  Topics spanned our children (“they grow up so fast!”), Arthur Miller’s “The Crucible” (“I just saw my daughter dance this production at her university”), to the Salem witch trials (“Can you imagine living in those times?” ).

Though we all may have been different ages and had different interests, we shared one thing in common:  a curiosity to experience something new.  A willingness to share about ourselves.  And it seemed easier to do since we all were out of our familiar elements.

So, as I make my way through that same cereal aisle at the grocery store back home – the one I’ve perused plenty of times – how do I keep my experience with the Cheerios as fresh as my fireside chat with the bikers?

I guess for now, step one is just asking the question.

photo by Jessica Dofflemyer - all rights reserved

 

Liquid Gold

Jeb tells me that his friend at school thinks I’m a billionaire.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“He said, ‘Your mom is a billionaire.’ He thinks you’re rich.”

“Well, you know what?  I feel rich.  I have a healthy and wonderful son…”  Jeb smiles.  “A beautiful house to live in.  And great friends and family.  I’m a wealthy woman.”

He listens to my words while continuing to tie his shoes.

photo by Jessica Dofflemyer

“What did you say when he told you I was a billionaire?”

“I said you weren’t.”

“You did?”

“Well, yeah.  Because you’re not.”

“Right.  Of course.”

Later I squeeze a bounty of citrus gifted by friends.  Filling my glass, I am satiated with sweet treasure.  Liquid gold.

And as night falls, Jeb does homework while I wash Tupperware.  I’ve got three days, five appointments and two pages of ‘to-do’s’ before our trip to California.  Yet there is a peace.  I feel the warm light of my tunnel’s end.  I’m already half-way on vacation.  I’m coasting.

Feeling like a very rich woman indeed.

A Swig from the Leaking Barrel of Love and Light

Home together on a rainy night, Jeb and I pull out old Saturday Night Live skits, fast forward through some adult humor and find a few goofy gems.  Kings of the just plain silly, Chris Farley and Will Ferrell have me laughing harder than I have in weeks.

Maybe it’s been longer than weeks, as Jeb says, “Your laugh! It’s so funny,” as if he’s never heard it before.

In the morning he crawls up into my bed, looks at my face in the light and says with candid concern, “You look like you’re dying.” Not quite the pillow talk a woman wants to wake to.

He then traces a finger along my aging cheek. “You’re getting so many spots. You really look like you’re dying.”

Continuing his assessment, he puts his hand to my chest. “Is your heart beating?” He lingers a good two seconds then confirms, “Your heart’s not beating. I don’t feel your heart.”

“It’s there, it’s beating,” I say.

“But you’re too young to die…right?”

I affirm. I am too young to die.

I know I’m alive.  Just yesterday I did all those human, earthly things:  sorted toads and spiders from the rain soaked recycling, vacuumed dust bunnies from the closet, picked up the mail, bought groceries.

But am I really living?

Does Jeb see more than just my crow’s feet? Does he sense a body breathing lacking life force?

At my desk the cover of Daniel Ladinsky‘s renderings of Hafiz poetry shimmers in gold and periwinkle blue: I Heard God Laughing. Poems of Hope and Joy.

Flipping through the pages it’s as though Ladinsky and Hafiz have conspired to give me a talking to.  A loving scolding that cracks open my heart.

I Know the Way You Can Get

I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:

Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one’s self.

O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love’s
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me,
For I am a Sweet Old Vagabond
With an Infinite Leaking Barrel
Of Light and Laughter and Truth
That the Beloved has tied to my back.

Dear one,
Indeed, please bring your heart near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!

All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!

~ Hafiz (translation by Daniel Ladinsky)

This morning I’ll meet you at that veritable fountain of youth and raise a toast poured from that Vagabond’s leaking barrel.

Cheers to Light and Love and Laughter!