Posted on by Jessica Dofflemyer · 2 Comments

Playing with the Dudes

Jeb wants me to play with his dudes.

The dudes being a gaggle of plastic, two-inch tall fighters representing three distinct groups:  cowboys, Indians and the military.  They come in the rainbow colors of red, green, blue and yellow and look to be circa 1954.  Each one strikes a pose of some kind of offensive stance while holding their respective weapons.  The cowboys and military wield guns and cannons while the natives hold other more rudimentary tools of attack.

Jeb has brought these aggressive (albeit inanimate) little warriors back from his dad’s place.  There’s a no-toy-gun policy at my house (which does not apply at dad’s) and Jeb’s pushing the pacifist envelope by lining up these warring dudes on the floor of our living room.

As he does so, he explains to me the backstory.

“The cowboys and the Indians used to fight each other.  But now they’re on the same side and they’re fighting the military guys.”

As Jeb fills me in, I’m on my hands and knees in the bathroom wiping down baseboards with biodegradable, geranium scented cleaning product.  I know this is an opportunity for a teaching moment.  There must be a way somehow that I could distill the complexities of war and history into an age-appropriate conversation. But over by the toilet bowl, the conscious parenting portion of my brain is drawing a blank.

“I want you to come see my dudes.  It’s fun.  We can play with them.”

I finish up and come to see each guy standing flat on his little rounded platform of plastic.  A few characters are engaged on their bellies in aimed attack.

Jeb reaches an Indian out to me.  “Here, you’ll probably like these guys the best,” he says, without needing to say that it’s because their weapons aren’t guns.

I sit with him and he takes to positioning the different guys in odd locales, including attempts to balance one on my shoulder.  A blue cowboy stands on my knee, legs bent, with a gun pointing out in each hand.

I take him between my thumb and forefinger.  “This guy needs to chill out.  He’s got a gun in each hand.  He needs to relax a bit.”

And since we’re by the tub, I turn on the faucet and position blue, double-fisted cowboy under the tap.  The water cascades over his head until just the tips of his gun barrels break through the stream.  “Ahh…there we go.  It’s like he’s under a waterfall.  There you go, cowboy.  Just relax.”

Jeb laughs.

Some of the dudes are replicas, only varying by color.  I find three two-handed gunslingers in yellow, red and blue.  “Oh look, these guys want to dance together!”

I circle them up so that their outstretched gun barrels touch.  “Maybe ring around the rosie!”

“Oh, and these guys…”  I find two more replicas, both in blue, with weapons as extensions of their hands.  “These guys want to hug each other.  Ahhhh….”

No profound teaching moment here.  I’m more a parody of myself, really.

But Jeb already knows my feelings about guns.  They’re tools, not toys.  He knows I don’t like war games (in real life or in play).

And taboos can make things more enticing.  I try to find balance in my responses to his intrigue with weapons and war.

On this afternoon, I was willing to play with his dudes.  But I couldn’t hold back from taking his fearsome warriors, giving them hydro-therapy, making them hug, hold hands, and dance.

Posted on by Jessica Dofflemyer · 4 Comments

Hand on the Heart

Friday was full.

Jeb stayed home with the sniffles while I tried to work from home.  He did as I requested, which was to keep himself occupied while I tended to my tasks at hand.  But being that he was not really all that ill, he had plenty of energy to essentially turn his room inside out.

The dishes in the sink, the pile of Legos scattered by the door, the voice of Casey Kasem as Shaggy on the Scooby Doo DVD  – I tried to tune out the peripheral chaos and focus on my work.  At one point I realized I had to see a client and Jeb was going to have to come with me and occupy himself in the car.  I’d sent an email and left a message with Rex in hopes of getting a little relief but there had been no reply.

I gathered my essential work-related items and then began hastily throwing together some snacks for Jeb’s backseat excursion.  A tangerine, a bowl of cheddar goldfish, a breakfast bar and some water.  He put a basket of toys together and we ran through the rain to load up in the car.

As I pulled out of the driveway thinking of how I could most gracefully appear professional yet still tend to the needs of my under-the-weather-child, I felt the tension ripple through my body.  I knew this feeling.

I’d spent 5 days in December having an intimate exchange with this strained sensation.  It feels heavy, like something of a mountain on top of my head.  And this mountain is ever-demanding and never lets up.  Under the pressure of this prominence my very being constricts and tightens.  Things move faster, my patience grows thinner and eventually…I get mad.

So Jeb’s in the back seat trying to see if one of his Star Wars Storm Troopers can fit in his remote control Jeep while Buzz Lightyear looks on.

Buzz Lightyear and a bald Mr. Potatohead

Riding shotgun with me is my laptop and paperwork, a ten page to-do list and a stick of gum.  I feel the overwhelm close in on me like a shroud.  And then I remember the words of the Ambassador.

If you follow the Archives you may recall the Ambassador shared his story of 15 seconds of grace. He also imparted some sage advice for moments when grace can’t even be felt for a millisecond.  He suggested the simple gesture of a hand to the heart.  A deep breath in.  And just be there like that for a moment.

So I’m driving down the highway with Jeb and Mr. Potatohead and I reach my hand to my heart and breathe.  There is a comfort there of simply feeling a hand on my chest.  An abbreviated version of a self-hug.  I notice the air in my lungs.  And I begin to see the green of the wet trees along the highway with a bit more vivid vision.  After about a minute, I do realize that my body has relaxed.

photo by Jessica Dofflemyer - all rights reserved

No circumstance has changed.  I still have a client to meet.  Jeb is still sniffly.  But I’m a bit more calm.  And then I realize that the mountain on my head is not just sourced in situation.  Surely life will provide plenty of external conditions to challenge me.  But in the end, I’m the one who decides how it affects me.  I choose to tighten.  I choose to lose my grace in haste.

Hand on the heart makes space.  I like this.

Within five minutes of arriving at my clients’, Rex texts me that he can be with Jeb.  I shuttle him to his father’s place with gratitude and have the rest of the day to focus freely on my work.  I’ll admit the day still saw instances of tension and I forgot all about my heart.  But I had a glimpse of mastery in that moment there with Jeb and the toys and the highway.

And you know, just for fun…if you’ve read this far.  I invite you to try it for yourself right now.  Put your hand on your heart and see how it feels.

Posted on by Jessica Dofflemyer

Back With the Rock

Last night I lay beside Jeb in the darkness.  He had crawled up into my arms, his seven year old head resting on my shoulder, a leg thrown across mine.

He felt heavy like a stone – at least 60 pounds – and I wondered how long it had been since I’d held him in my arms like this.  I recalled the early months of his life when I could lay on my side and and hold him within the crook of one arm.  How his toes would brush my belly button.  Now, they dangled around my ankles.

I thought about how one day – not so far away – he may no longer want to be this close.  His body too big and long to curl up and rest within my limbs.  His mind may be elsewhere, no need to cuddle with his mom.

I could see the stars through the screen of his bedroom.  Feel his solid head near my chest.  Listen to his breath.  I soaked in the weight of the moment, as if his heaviness would leave an imprint on my body to always remember.

Once he fell asleep I moved myself out from under his floppy arms.  The thought of the ever-elusive jade stone from Big Sur came to mind.  Prompted by some quiet whisper I felt moved to look in my backpack one more time for the stone.  My pack has about ten zippered pockets and I reached my hand inside each one, feeling my way into every crease and crevice.

That pocket’s empty.

Mmm, an umbrella.  Ok.

Oh, Jeb’s old shirt is in this one.  Laundry.  Alright.

This pocket’s empty.

And then, I went to a very small inner pocket and felt something.  Sure enough, I pulled out the little bag that held the jade given to me at the Heart Beat of Big Sur.  There it was.

photo by Jessica Dofflemyer - all rights reserved

So here it is.  Did the stone actually slip through the portals of time and space?  I had searched my backpack repeatedly a few days ago to no avail.

Or had it been with me all along and I simply needed to experience a lesson of letting go?  As promised, I had sent the sunrise shell to Big Sur on New Year’s eve, even though the jade had gone missing.  Was the reemergence of the jade my reward for non-attachment and promises kept?

Or was it just that I was a scattered mother who couldn’t remember where I’d stashed my rock?

Funny thing about this stone, it’s full of mystery.