Wayfaring

Releasing myself from the confines of gridlocked rows and the google cells of spreadsheets, I make my way to the soft give of sand where ocean touches land.

Cool, wet granules mold beneath my step.  I slip into movement that is one with the air.  Slow and graceful.  Honey-like.  No where to go.  Just rolling in thick, sweet time.

Before me on the tide line, two brothers with shaven heads, dark skin.  They look like little monks in board shorts, tossing their fishing lines to the water.  I smile and pass them by, feeling the layers of scheduling and scribbled lists drift further in my wake.

Body moves.  Breath enters.  Water laps.  Breath exits.  Trade winds rustle kamani leaves on the tree.

As I walk between the scattered chunks of corral, a mantra surfaces. 

Let the way be shown.

Driftwood, broken shells, a million jagged pieces of reef – orange and white and brown. I step among artifacts as soupy sand seeps between red toenails.  Last week’s passing fancy – a bold springtime painting – does not suit my lifestyle.  My barefoot excursions have chipped the crimson polish and stained red-clay dirt on my pedicured heels.

I approach the section of the beach with all the visitors.  I’ll be an alien on vacation watching curious humans commune with nature.  A shirtless man moves thumbs across an electronic device at the shoreline.  Brightly colored towels hold women reading novels in the sun.  Pale children run, knee-deep in water, toward parents holding cameras on the sand.

Passing through the bottleneck of tourists, I make my way over the lava rocks onto the single lane road that buffers houses from the sea.  Million dollar vacation rentals rub against island surf shacks.

A group of spring-breakers have set up seaside camp not far from their rental Jeep.  Coolers with cocktails and a boom box casting Zepplin.  Despite all of the accoutrements of vacation, these bathing suit bodies seem lost.  On the set without a script, it’s as though actors showed up on stage with no director.  A few extras linger by the car and pass a pipe, coughing in exaggerated proclamation to their holiday in paradise.  They watch me roll by and jokingly make apologies for their hacking friend.

I am just the observer.  Smiling and being honey on the shoreline.  Passing more seaside cottages with blow up rafts tossed on the lawn.  Rental cars sit with doors swung open in the drive.

“How do you spell luau?”

An East coast accent drifts down from an open window.  I’m walking near the coco palms, but I can see his cursor in the Google box searching for his Hawaiian feast.

Asphalt beneath my chipped, red toenails begins to disappear.  Sand tosses at the border, eventually overtaking man’s paving.  As I walk further toward the river mouth, black tar segues to earth and scattered potholes.

A fishing camp of tarps and trucks houses locals talking story.  Snippets of pidgin lilt above sunlit waters, catching on the breeze.

“If you go looking for one sign on if you should go back to Georgia, then that’s it, brah!”

I am still moving.  Slow and steady.  Watching and listening.  Wind moves my hair.  The soft cotton of my sarong wraps my shoulders.  Toes direct me to the place where the river meets the sea.

I stand in the swirl of salt and fresh.  Two currents colliding together to wrap my ankles in refreshing cool.  In the distance beyond the corral reef, white waves crash and sizzle, sending sound my way in delayed time.

Thoughts drift to unconditional love. 

Let the way be shown.

I feel the human pull to find that place on planet earth.  We all want our destined paradise.  We search for the path to lead us there.

Here I steep in the simplicity of shifting sand, two waterways, clean air and my beating heart.  I am fed by elements, mingling in the stories of my species.

Let the way be shown.

My eyes fall upon an abandoned sand castle, its once-defined form now smoothed and crumbling.  Nearby, stacked stones and etchings in the sand.  This time it’s not the typical names.  No “Jordan loves Kelly.” No “aloha from Kauai”.

Just one simple word is drawn.  My directive carved in capital letters:

FLOAT

Grumbling Lack Through the Horn of Plenty

Friends return from the high altitudes of South America, breathless and vowing to kiss every weed that’s grown in their garden since they’ve been gone.  They came home early, tired of being tourists. They missed good friends, their cozy island kitchen and homegrown food.  Back on home soil, they prostrate to paradise.

In early March, I’m in the swaying palm oasis.  Bare legs, a thin dress and no socks.  I chop fresh ginger and squeeze lemon from the tree.  Prep beets from Mary’s garden that I’ll pair with one of the four softball-sized avocados left on my front door step.  I eat a banana from the grove outside my door.  The spread of fresh food before me is a tropical cornucopia, my everyday fare.

photo by Jessica Dofflemyer - all rights reserved

Then why so grumpy?  I’ve been laying in bed for a week in a fevered state wondering what on earth I’m doing on this island out in the middle of no where.  It’s been fourteen years and counting. Is this where I’ll end my days?  A picturesque backdrop to some honeymooner’s photo album?

Am I ungratefully peering down the throat of the fruitful gift horse? Why does it feel like there’s a price to eat in paradise?  Because no one eats for free and my ticket to ride is the cost of isolation.  Living in this remote locale sometimes feels as though Jeb and I are islands unto ourselves, floating out in a vast sea.  Because we are.

Maybe I’m just edgy because it’s been four days without coffee and small things are getting on my nerves.  I’m in one of those moods where it’s actually annoying to hear someone exclaim, “This island is so beautiful!”  It’s no fun to be bummed in paradise.

I know the grass is greener syndrome.  I’ve seen the cattle lean through barb wire to flap their lips towards what they must think are longer, more luscious stems. Friends whisk away on an exotic trip to the Andes only to make a U-turn back home.  Their appreciative comments on the drive back from the airport reverberate from the cornucopia bullhorn.

“Ah, the air is so warm!”

“I can’t wait to eat from the garden again!”

“I love our road!”

Which end of the horn am I looking through?  The small and narrow opening or the gushing wide mouth full of plenty?  Is it possible to see all of the abundance and still honor the fact that island life can be hard?

As I sip my vanilla tea this morning, I hear my grumbles.  I guess I’ll follow the grumpy thread, peel a banana, and maybe more will be revealed.